HERE'S WHAT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE FINAL 13 EPISODES OF GAME OF THRONES
On Monday, Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and D.B. (which may or may not also stand for David Benioff) Weiss told Deadline that their beloved fuckmonster of a series has roughly 13 episodes left. "It's two more seasons we’re talking about. From pretty close to the beginning, we talked about doing this in 70-75 hours, and that’s what we'll end up with. Call it 73 for now," said Benioff. "We wanted to [do] something where, if people watched it end to end, it would make sense as one continuous story," he added, helpfully describing how stories traditionally function. Below, you'll find MTV News's exclusive sneak peek at key scenes from the remaining 13 episodes, which make sense as one continuous story.
Season 7, Episode 1:
Sansa and Jon Snow wake up next to each other in their dead parents' bed. "Hullo, Sansa," says Jon Snow. They shake hands. None of this is ever addressed again.
Outside, Littlefinger is teaching the knights of the Vale to speak Spanish for their next battle. One knight tells the other that he likes his pantalones, but the second knight misinterprets this statement and stabs the first knight to death over it. Confused and suffering from massive PTSD (Post Traumatic Stab Disorder), all of the knights of the Vale stab each other to death within minutes. Littlefinger calmly removes all of their pantalones so this will not happen again, then smirks and meets Sansa's gaze in the window. "I'll get more knights," he mouths, then does that thing where you mimic giving a blowjob. Sansa closes the curtains, but smiles mysteriously to herself as she goes downstairs to make an egg for Jon.
Bran is in a forest.
Season 7, Episode 2:
Cersei and Jaime, having nothing else to do now that everyone else is dead, are fucking atop the Iron Throne. To be clear, the Iron Throne is now that rat-king pile of bodies from the Battle of the Bastards brought to King's Landing and rebuilt exactly how everyone died. They are fucking atop that.
The entire remaining population of Westeros, which is seven people, are watching them, cheering and occasionally stabbing one another in the gut for sport (everyone has PTSD now). After she climaxes, Cersei stands up and chugs an entire thing of malt liquor in 13 seconds. "Somebody get me Tommen's ashes!!" she screams. Somebody does. Cersei chugs Tommen's ashes.
Somewhere, Gendry is in the boat he has been on for three seasons. He is heading toward a light on the horizon, which he has been heading toward for years now. Finally, he reaches shore. He is at a disco pub. He takes off the shirt he has been wearing for at least three years, ties it around his neck like a jaunty scarf, and moonwalks inside.
Bran is in a forest. He's unconscious.
Season 7, Episode 3:
Daenerys is vomiting profusely over the side of one of her thousand ships. Her hair looks immaculate. Tyrion is holding it back and crying because he doesn't want her to die of seasickness, which is a thing that happens, it is. Dany pukes up a little shrimp. "It's like you, Tyrion," she says weakly. "Small, but brave — and a part of me." When she leaves, Tyrion takes the shrimp and puts it in his shirt pocket. Later, he eats it and cries more.
Arya is taking her time on the way back to Winterfell and enjoying a brief promiscuous phase. How old is Arya? I feel like she's old enough for this. She is wearing her hot waitress face at a disco pub. She is making out with a strange man whom she has never met, or maybe she has met him, but not since Season 2, I think. Suddenly, he tears off his face and reveals that he is Gendry. She obligatorily tears off her face. The two can't figure out whether they're related because I can't remember who is related on this show. They shrug and keep making out.
Later, Gendry is stabbed by a townie, but survives.
Bran is in a forest. He is still unconscious, but Meera is awake. She's always awake.
Season 7, Episode 4:
Sam is still staring at the Citadel library. He has not moved in weeks. He is much thinner, gaunt even. Saliva and pee have pooled and dried and pooled again around his feet. Gilly and Aryan Sam died in the lobby waiting for him.
Jon and Sansa are eating a quiet quiche at Winterfell. It's just a coincidence, because neither know that Arya was the hot waitress who served the human quiche to Walder Frey. Maybe they don't even know about the human quiche. I don't know if anyone remembered to tell them. Jon asks Sansa if the quiche is to her liking. Sansa responds by telling him that she is going to challenge his authority at the next Winterfell community meeting, and will resort to murdering him if necessary. Jon nods and sinks his face into the quiche. He sits like that for a long while.
Underneath the table, Littlefinger smirks and eats his own quiche by stabbing it with a long sword. When Sansa glances under the table to check on him, he mimes giving a blowjob to the sword. Sansa muffles a laugh but then looks very serious. This is serious.
Bran is in a forest. Meera is dragging his unconscious body around.
Season 7, Episode 5:
Cersei and Jaime are fucking atop the Iron Throne. Qyburn is filming them, per Cersei's request, because sometimes there is anachronistic but convenient technology on this show, such as Nickelodeon Gak-fire and grenades used only by ancient tree-children, so why not a camera? When they climax, Cersei smashes a bottle of rosé on Jaime's head. Jaime laughs and does an impression of a bug drowning in rosé. Cersei says, "Bae, I hate bugs." Qyburn clears his throat and reminds Cersei that she has to do queen stuff. "What do queens do on this show, actually, though?" asks Cersei. Qyburn says, "Good point." He resumes filming.
Dany is approaching Westeros. She can see it on the horizon, glowing. Wait. It's a disco pub. She wakes up Tyrion, who was sleeping under her dress, but platonically, and they moonwalk inside. Yara and Theon stay in their bunks, blaming themselves for starting a tradition of getting fucked up at a disco pub on the way to war. Yara accidentally stabs Theon in the dick area while practicing stabbing for the war. She apologizes. He's fine, though, because he has no dick.
Bran is in a forest. One of the trees he is unconscious on top of dies of boredom.
Season 7, Episode 6:
Dany and Tyrion are wasted and making out in the disco pub. Arya and Gendry realize they have been there for at least five episodes and both depart in a horrified panic. Arya heads to Winterfell. Gendry heads somewhere. The lights come on. Dany realizes she has been making out with Tyrion and not a small statue of herself as a child. "Tyrion, we can't do this!" she screams. "I cannot marry someone who I could also hide inside of my wig." Tyrion runs back to the ship, where Yara comforts him by telling him her coming-out story.
Sam pulls a single book from the Citadel library. The entire thing crumbles to the ground, crushing Sam and the entire history of the world or whatever. The bitchy librarian winks at the camera. Somebody stabs him from behind.
Bran is in a forest. Meera screams and screams and screams and screams.
Season 7, Episode 7:
Cersei and Jaime are being photographed for Castle Digest, a magazine about people who own beautiful castles and are also not opposed to cannibalism. Jaime tells the photographer that Cersei is going to be the queen forever because everyone else is dead and that's how democracy works. "You can quote him on that," Cersei adds, but before that, she had been holding a fifth of bourbon in her cheeks like a chipmunk, and it spills out from her mouth all over the room.
Embarrassed, Cersei stabs the photographer to death. "Yas queen?" she tries out. "Yas Gaga?" She is not sure if this is right.
The camera cheekily cuts to Dany, who is in her chambers drawing a stick figure of Cersei and commanding Drogon to burn it over and over again. Tyrion knocks on her ship door. They're still on the ship. He walks in and clears his throat. "About last night …" he begins, even though they left the disco pub months ago. Dany holds up her drawing of Cersei and makes it talk. "Talk to the hand, ’cause the face don't understand," she says in a crazy voice. Tyrion pales. Dany laughs. "Get it? You're the hand. Anyway, I have to work. Please leave me to my work." She resumes her doodles.
Season 7, Episode 8:
Dany and Tyrion and Yara and Theon have made it to Westeros. Taking note of the six people who still live there, they decide to sleep on it for a night and decide if they still want to invade it in the morning. Cersei and Jaime stabbed everyone who worked at Castle Digest, took over the magazine, renamed it Castle Fucking, and put out a weekly issue featuring photos of themselves fucking in and around the castle. It is a hit with the remaining six people in Westeros.
Sansa locks Jon in their dead parents' room and takes over Winterfell. He lies facedown on the bed for a long while. Littlefinger stabs a cat and brings it to Sansa with a smirk. It's a metaphor.
Arya is in a forest, but not the same forest as Bran. It looks the same. But it's different.
This is the Season 7 finale, so then we also see people riding ships or flying on dragons or some shit.
Season 8, Episode 1:
Dany and her thousands of soldiers have stormed the castle at King's Landing. They decided it was worth it, if only for the Castle Digest cover. "I am the rightful queen!!!!!!!" she screams. Nobody is there. She looks at Tyrion, who shrugs. They sit down and have some lunch. A few of her PTSD'ed soldiers stab each other in a small tiff over who gets the last PB&J.
Jon Snow is still facedown on his dead parents' bed. Sansa knocks at the door. He gets up and unlocks it. Both are confused. "I thought this door locked from the outside," says Sansa. "Same," says Jon. Both smile. Sansa reaches for Jon's hand. "Quiche?" she says. He nods.
Bran is in a forest. Meera has begun talking to herself in a language she made up in the forest.
Season 8, Episode 2:
Melisandre sneaks up from behind Arya in the forest and screams boo. Arya passes out. Melisandre carries her unconscious body to the same forest where Bran is, even though Meera has been dragging Bran's body for years and only gone two feet. What is Melisandre planning? IDK. I will make it up shortly.
Sansa, now the queen of the North, demands that everyone call her Karen. "It's more palatable," she explains. "No one knows if Sansa is a hard A or a soft A, but with Karen, you always know." She adds that she is planning to storm King's Landing and take over Westeros with Littlefinger. "Me, Karen. I will be queen," she says.
Season 8, Episode 3:
This is a capsule episode. Bran and Arya reconnect and travel back in time together via Bran's warging powers. They accidentally travel all the way back to the Cretaceous Period. They accidentally love it!!! They never return.
Meera weeps with joy. She is finally free. She is stabbed to death on her way to a place that is not a forest. It is the happiest she can remember being.
Her work finally done — her work was to remove tangential characters that had no real arc from the show so we could get on with it — Melisandre removes her necklace, pats her flat old-lady boobs happily, and disintegrates.
Season 8, Episode 4:
Cersei finally comes down to sit, without fucking anything, on the Iron Throne, mostly out of boredom and because she has a UTI and needs to chill for a few days. Dany and Karen are waiting for her. "Come thru," says Cersei. "It's lit."
"I'm the rightful queen," says Dany, who is tired now. "Same," says Karen. Karen rubs her eyes.
Cersei sighs and gives the secret wildfire signal to Qyburn, who is masturbating with wildfire as lube. The three women look at one another for a moment, then burst out laughing. Cersei pulls out a fifth of Fireball ("LOL," she says) and then another fifth of Fireball and then another fifth of Fireball. They all get wasted off of their own fifths of Fireball.
Jaime, Tyrion, Yara, Theon, Jon Snow, Littlefinger, all the bazillion soldiers, and whoever else is left, I can't remember, cannot fucking believe it. "Can you fucking believe this?" says Yara. "Millions of people died for this cause." "What cause?" says Tyrion. "I don't actually know at this point," says Yara.
Littlefinger tries to stab everyone but they all descend upon him and stab him. "Hoisted by his own petard," says Tyrion. "What?" says Theon. "Never mind," says Tyrion.
Oh, yeah, Davos. He's there too. And Jorah.
Season 8, Episode 5:
Dany, Karen, and Cersei are sitting in a meadow. Cersei is fucking Jaime and shotgunning a six-pack of Icehouse. Karen is brushing Jon Snow's hair, wondering aloud to Cersei and Dany about whether she is a summer or a winter, makeup-wise. "If your veins look green, you're a summer," explains Dany, who is resting her laurels on Tyrion like a footstool. "If they're blue, you're a winter." Cersei pauses fucking. "If they're red, you're a product of incest." This joke kills.
Jorah and Davos are tanning. Jorah is still dying of greyscale, but slowly enough that he can still tan. Everyone is happy. "What a game we had," says Karen. "A game of thro —" Before Karen can finish her pithy thought, the White Walkers stalk out of the forest (a different forest) and murder everyone on the entire planet.
Bran is in a (Cretaceous) forest. He is unconscious and surrounded by dinosaurs, every last one of whom he bores to death, rendering them extinct.
http://www.mtv.com/news/2899608/heres-whats-definitely-going-to-happen-in-the-final-13-episodes-of-game-of-thrones/
(RA) (source: www.cawageh.com)
